Dear Hazel,

 There is a part of myself who sits in the kitchen staring out the window. Replaying every moment of the week before you died. Still I’m searching for a time when I could have saved you. To remembering how I begged God for you to get well all weekend, just like I do every time you’re sick. “Please guide us through this, back to health.”. I’m picking through my own mental triage list, what did I miss? 

Sometimes I still catch my body clenching, waiting for you to breathe. Part of me is still waiting to go back. My internal mother part begs everyday to have you back. 

I can't stop begging God to bring you back. I can't stop my heart from aching. I can't stop grieving. Everyday I wake up, I try to appreciate the time we had with you. The joy you bring to our lives, and the memories we made together as a family. The usual memories come up vacations, birthday parties, ya know the highlights. Some of the most precious memories are Friday nights after work, when were all chilling in the house together. Dancing, laughing, and playing together. Tickle time, and laughing about Barron family inside jokes. 

I love you so much Hazel, and I miss you.