Dear Hazel - back to school

 I missed you all summer. Your Dad and I couldn’t go to Point Pleasant without you…. We went to New Jersey to get away. We cried when we saw the signs for Point. I cried when I realized we hadn’t gotten the chance to take you to some of the places we loved to visit: Windmill, Strollos, Ocean Ave, and on and on. I cried at the flea market remembering the peppa pig dress we bought when you were 3. 

When we went to New Hope, I couldn’t go into Love Saves the Day without you. I could hear your excitement though. I remembered all the excitement and joy you’d have on vacation. There were times when I could hear you almost everywhere we went. 

We stayed at the same hotel you dubbed “Our new home.” I remembered how you’d sit in the chair and watch your tablet while your Dad watched TV and I would play games after a long day of fun. We just miss you and feel sad everyday. 

Now it’s time for back to school. I’m home for 2 weeks while your dad goes back to work. Today I wished you and I were hanging out in the pool in the back yard. Spending our days shopping for school clothes and supplies. You should be getting your hair cut and having play dates with your friends. 

There will never be a moment when I don’t think of you and beg God to bring our baby back. Never. 

Your Dad and I will always feel sad that you're not in our physical life with us. Always. 

We are starting to write the next chapter of our lives. We are accepting fully in our hearts, there is nothing we could have done to save you from the end of your life at such an early age. The best thing we can do is love you and remember you. You, Hazel, our bald baby will always be written on the pages of our life. Your love is branded on our hearts. 

We are looking into adoption, and trying to get pregnant as well. We're going to give you siblings, and you're going to be a great big sister. 

Dear Hazel,

 There is a part of myself who sits in the kitchen staring out the window. Replaying every moment of the week before you died. Still I’m searching for a time when I could have saved you. To remembering how I begged God for you to get well all weekend, just like I do every time you’re sick. “Please guide us through this, back to health.”. I’m picking through my own mental triage list, what did I miss? 

Sometimes I still catch my body clenching, waiting for you to breathe. Part of me is still waiting to go back. My internal mother part begs everyday to have you back. 

I can't stop begging God to bring you back. I can't stop my heart from aching. I can't stop grieving. Everyday I wake up, I try to appreciate the time we had with you. The joy you bring to our lives, and the memories we made together as a family. The usual memories come up vacations, birthday parties, ya know the highlights. Some of the most precious memories are Friday nights after work, when were all chilling in the house together. Dancing, laughing, and playing together. Tickle time, and laughing about Barron family inside jokes. 

I love you so much Hazel, and I miss you.