It's been a long haul since March 25th. Everyday has felt like a year and a few seconds at the same time. Stuck in the time warp of grief so many others have known before me. I find myself often thinking of Hazel's Great Grandmother Hazel Elizabeth Harrison. I think about how she spent her days between the loss of her daughter Norma Lee and when she found out she was pregnant again. I wonder if she spent days in bed. Did she neglect herself? or her bathroom? Did she cook any meals? How did she convince herself to keep going? How did she handle her grief? How did she talk to herself about her daughter Normal-Lee? What did she remember or angst over?
Some days I think of Hazel, and I wonder what she is doing. I wonder how she feels about missing out on her life. For such a small body she had a large spirit and already had a full life. Today I kept remembering what it felt like to pick her up, feel her wrap her arms around my neck and intertwine her fingers in my hair and feel us loving each other. I was remembering all the times I would come home from work, and she would be so excited to see me and yell "Mommy! You're home!" I was remembering more recent times when I would be able to pick her up from school and hear the same enthusiasm.
I was thinking about how I would try to see her without my own projections and expectations. I could see her light, and passion for life. Her desire for friendships and play. I am remembering more of the lessons and growth as a mother, than the grief of losing her. I continue to parent her loving spirit and imagine all the people I have loved and are keeping her company in the afterlife. Heather, Steve, Grandma Rose, Aunt Sharon, Aunt Pat, Grandma Hazel, Jenny Dilman-Marks, and so many more. Hazel will always be remembered and celebrated. We love you our bald baby. My little nugget of love. We see your spirit all around us and are loving you back.
Love mom and dad
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